Lost. Found.

I was lost.

I knew I was lost. The darkness around me felt like a physical presence wrapping itself around me, enveloping me and pulling me downwards. My body seemed to melt into it. I tentatively reached out my hands hoping to connect with a surface or an object.. anything really but there was nothing and nothingness. I felt like I was falling but not quite. My head felt fuzzy, my legs felt like air and I could not feel myself breathe.

I tried to cast my mind back, to try to mentally retrace my steps, how did I get here? What happened? Was I dead? Is this what death felt like? Should I be "walking into the light?" or worse still, why was there no light? Was I in hell or on my way to hell? I was not quite sure, the darkness made it difficult to think, to focus on one thought long enough to make sense of it or to remember anything before. My thoughts seemed to float in and out of my mind like children playing tag.

I let myself slide and stopped trying to prevent the non-fall sensation. 

I closed my eyes. Keeping them open did not provide vision or insight and the darkness behind my lids felt more familiar. Soothing even. Time seemed nonexistent and everything seemed inconsequential. This could go on forever, how long had I been here? There was no way to tell. 

I was ready to accept the monotony of situation when something changes. My body felt more solid and I noticed some surface beneath me. The feeling of falling but not quite and floating but not quite was no more. I was lying down it seemed, even though I could not move my hands to feel the surface for sure, this surface became my only connection to anything. 

I felt wetness. It appeared to be seeping my skin. It felt clammy, making my skin crawl. What was that?! Water? Blood? Both? None? I wasn't sure I should care. Maybe I was dying. 

I felt faint like I should curl up in the floor and wait for death but I knew death would not come. I didn't know how I knew but I felt like I had crossed paths with death already and if I was still here it was because it was not yet time.

Then it started. The pain. 

At first, it was a dull sensation which felt like it did not quite belong to me. Then it grew hotter and more insistent. My brain recognized the mind numbing pain and directed my mouth to scream. I opened my mouth but my lungs would not cooperate. Nothing came out, not even air. I closed my mouth while my mind screamed and my body revolted but remained pinned in its position as if held in place my an invisible force.

The pain was unbearable now. I was sure I would pass out any minute but then I was not quite conscious. My stomach felt like someone had scooped out my gut and placed in its stead a raging fire. I tried to cry but my eyes remained dry. 

It was in that moment that I heard her voice, frantic and desperately calling out my name. Someone was calling my name! Was that an angel? I wanted to answer, to say that I was trapped and could not get out, to say that I hated the darkness and needed some light.

She was calling my name! My angel was female! I loved that. She called my name louder, her voice seemed to be getting closer while the wetness under me seemed to spread between my legs like I might have lost control of my bodily functions. I did not care, someone had come for me in this darkness, I only now hoped they would find me with no light to guide them.

The pain now consumed every fiber of my being. Her voice was closer now, pleading. "My baby please open your eyes. Can you hear me? Please open your eyes."

Her voice broke and she started sobbing. 

I heard another voice. "Madam calm down, she is breathing. She is going to be okay"

Breathing? My lungs did not feel like they were working. I tried again to scream. To tell these people that I was dying from the pain. Still no sound, still no air, still darkness.

I willed my eyelids to lift. They cracked just a bit. I heard her gasp. "Her eyes! She is opening her eyes!!".

The tiny opening of my eyelids let in light. It was much too bright! I preferred the dark. I wanted to shut my eyes and float away but my angel had asked me to open my eyes so I kept the crack open. 

Slowly, she came into focus, very slowly. Face creased with worry, eyes searching my face, a brilliant, teary smile across her face. "Baby can you see me? Can you hear me?" Her voice was shaking.

The angel was my mother. My mother was begging me.

I tried to open my mouth. My tongue felt dry and unused. "Mummy it hurts" I whispered as a tear slipped out of the corner of my right eye and slid down my face. 

She smiled fully now "I know my baby but look at your son! He came out alright!! He needs his mummy. Please look at him" 

I tried to turn in the general direction of her hands but my body still refused to cooperate so she lifted him up into my line of sight. 

This was my son. My mother held my son. His face was squished and his skin was reddish. His eyes were shut and he had his hands up by his face as if in a kickboxing stance, I knew in that moment I would never love another human like I loved this tiny human who needed boxing gloves. 

So delicate, so perfect. The pain in my tummy seemed to fade in relevance.

My lips twitched in what would have been a smile.

I was found!

My mother and my son found me.

*Updated February, 2018*